Know what…

I think I hate myself a little bit more today. It’s not that I don’t like BlogSpot, it’s just that sometimes it’s too out in the public for everyone to see.

So I’ll stick here for more private posts.

Last Saturday was a blast at the penthouse. It was fun, new, exhilarating, exciting and everything that one could think of…but I just came to realise that it wasn’t my type of fun.

Maybe it’s about the lightings; maybe it’s a bout the people; maybe it’s about the clothes; maybe it’s about the games or maybe it’s about the whole thing in itself. Everything was okay at first until around ten, my instincts told me that something was very, very wrong…

This is wrong, because I don’t even know if I had been there myself. I don’t really remember who I was anymore. I couldn’t stop having the feeling that I shouldn’t have come to this party. I hated everything about myself when I was there…because I think I am not myself.

I have a looming intuition that my depression phase is coming near, because I’m feeling more irritable, angry and frustrated already. I could feel myself wanting to snap at someone but having a very hard time holding it all back. I could not bear to ruin my hard earned relationships with people around me.

Today, I went home. All I wanted was to cry, for reasons even unknown to me. I felt like screaming again, because the feeling of wanting to cut myself is coming back. I felt like tearing the planes of my mind in half, because I’m relieving my worst memories one after another.

…and most of all, I couldn’t forgive myself, for what I don’t know, least when it was me who hated myself in the first place.

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As to why, am I always like this? A sudden annoying emotional change that wrecks everything that I am, I don’t know that myself.

It’s not anyone’s fault, but mine to blame. Not all chances must be taken in an inopportune moment, that’s what I’ve realise…also with the fact that I fear open questions…because life sometimes imply doubt, self doubt…where ready, already learned, ritualistically rehearsed answer could not be the solution to all these questions.

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